A Rebirth Though I Be Belated

To those whom are regular readers I must deeply apologise for the great gulf of time since last I wrote. Cricket is an incredibly time consuming pastime. Finding a moment to write on the subject can prove difficult when suffering even the smallest intrusion of those bothersome events that tend to make up the rest of one's life. This is not to say that I have neglected the sport, rather I avidly followed the excellent northern summer as well as the more lacklustre Champion's Trophy. I have been profoundly depressed by those matters which have stalked the headlines though and so have kept to myself, shirking from discussion on the sport. I had little desire then to write during this time and rather have brooded and kept my dark ruminations to self. This will be the only mention of that affair I will make today as all is still allegation at present and these are disturbing circumstances which it is not of any advantage to dwell upon.

Cricket suffuses the breeze in Australia along with the Spring's warm whispers of encouragement. The football codes have concluded, enthusiastic club players fill the parks and ovals drilling through the balmy evenings, pitches are marked off with rope and covers. Here the domestic season is upon us. There is much to discuss so let us do so categorically.

RETOUR AU PRINTEMPS

The cricket played by Pakistan in their English dual series was utterly enthralling. They upstaged Australia, not convincingly mind, but still pulled at the loose threads of the nation's fabric and left several smears of doubt. These are onerous blows for a team approaching their very raison d'être. If the Australian games were interesting the English matches were stellar. This was a magnificent contest, a celebration of seam bowling with runs the reward of determination and assiduity rather than a given. Though overshadowed, the subsequent limited overs tournament was every bit as good. Afridi led his lacerated team superbly and the English throughout both series were pure class.

LET US REMEMBER THIS ASPECT

THAT EERIE, FINAL DAY

Comparatively the Champion's League Trophy was a sadly unexceptional tournament. I love the principle of the competition, the length of the series is perfect, South Africa proved an excellent venue but the fact of the matter is that when you have such a glut of twenty over cricket, (three major annual international tournaments and burgeoning domestic leagues,) there will be some fairly quotidian sport. There were some very good games of cricket played and a few excellent individual performances. By and large though the series was a bit dull. The major factor behind this was, as opposed to the inaugural tournament which displayed a uniformly high standard of play with revelatory exhibitions from the untipped minnow teams, the 2010 competition suffered from unwieldy inequality. The Indian teams dominated and though the Australian and South African teams were competitive, Guyana, New Zealand's Central Districts, and Sri Lanka's Wayamba were all very disappointing. Also it was sad that the effort was not made again to involve the English county teams.

While the cricket was humdrum I drew satisfaction from a separate source. That was Channel One's informed decision to let Ryan Campbell chair the tournament's presentation with Greg Matthews as sidekick, losing that peroxided chump from Thursday Night Sports Live. He belongs in motorsport not among the Elysian ranks. (Sorry that's a bit elitist isn't it? Its not meant that way. I certainly don't consider myself amongst these distinguished circles. Its just difficult to stand a fool.) Campbell is so eminently suitable to the position. His manner is perfect for the twenty over format and he is witty without being a joke and knowledgeable without being an intellectual. While Matthews came off as a brutish bigot, a recalcitrant yoip in SBS's coverage of the Ashes, (who can blame him with Stuart MacGill in charge that nancy muppet), here he was sublime. So utterly engaging in his lessons on spin, gently humourous and self-effacing. He performs perfectly as an old gallant of the game and together they are the perfect foil to the play. I hope the team is maintained for IPL 2011. All up I am very impressed by Channel One's commitment particularly as Channel 9 has been so maladroit and disgustingly commercial in recent years.

GREG MATHEWS AND HIS MOTHER

On the subject of television personalities I must say that I am very much enjoying Foxtel's chair group of Brendon Julian, Mark Waugh, and Damien Fleming. Fleming is alternately daft funny, roguishly charming, and quite insightful on pace bowling. I have enjoyed him on ABC Grandstand and his presence on Fox is so appealing as he replaces Allan Border. That distinguished gentleman, the hero of my childhood when cricket was but a vague, undefined presence flitting about me, bold and gallant and brave, that gentleman has matured into a boor, a dull-witted, opinionated, self-important fink who uses his revered position to squander the viewer's time with his drab well spring of empty talk ala Bob Simpson or Robert Walls.

THE FEELING IS MUTUAL

Its lunch on day four of the Mohali Test and the game has been subtly intriguing. Anything could transpire from here with Australia three wickets down and it has been nice to see Ishant Sharma return to some four. He is a youngster of great talent and I always enjoy watching India. This series is not of great importance but I am glad it is here nonetheless.

Now I have been writing just to touch base, and perhaps it is ineffectual for this will probably be my last post for a while as I will be going abroad (unless I feel sufficiently moved after attending the first domestic game of the year at the WACA to pour forth). I will unfortunately miss the Sri Lanka limited over series in Australia and I believe also the Brisbane Test. I will however be back in time for the WACA Test and will cover the game as best as I am able. Please maintain faith in me then and I shall do must best to reward it. Enjoy these early months of the Southern summer. Not only are those first cricketing moments to be savoured but the weather is at its finest. Together we will have a fine time of it. This Ashes promises much. Of both teams at their best one would think Australia the better. Australia are not at their best though and England are enjoying a magnificent run of form at the moment so if there is to be a contest, and certainly I think we all hope for one, it will lie around this.

Watson. Has he a soul? Is he one of us?

Christian Ryan wrote an intriguing article not all that long ago on the character of Shane Watson. Ryan investigated the general antipathy felt toward Watson throughout this nation concluding that while a magnificent player, the man's character is undone by an overarching concern with the self rather than team. From what i've read a similar claim could be made for Bradman but this is not the time to become embroiled in historical smearing.

Readers of Trumper may have noticed that I advocate, at least tacitly, a moral universe of cause and effect. He who reveals himself to be a imp will surely be smited in such fashion. As this has clearly not been the case with Watson I would like to present a more radical accusation than Ryan. The only way I can accept Watson within my principled structure is to witness that he has subverted the system. What I charge Shane Watson with is no less than having sold his soul to the devil. In support of my argument I will investigate the history of the satanic pact and Watson's own Mephistophelian career. I will then discuss the consequences of this awful fact.

Possession is an age old concept. To go off only the New Testament the idea makes an early appearance with the demon Legion. Jesus transmutes the host from a leper to a drift of swine which casts itself into the sea. Devils have been a recurrent curse for the past two millenia, most militantly in the middle ages where they seemed to have had a foothold here, there, and everywhere. Our iniquitous race was punished accordingly though by those whom new best. The first record of a demonic pact for worldy gain though is the sixth century cleric Theophilus of Adano. The ambitious chap gave his soul for a bishopric and was saved from damnation only through the intervention of the Virgin Mary. Faust is the more widely known deal maker. The sometime alchemist, poet, lover, and musician has inspired works from among others Marlowe, Goethe and Mann. My own personal favourite is Stravinsky's chamber work Histoire du Soldat as well as the allusions paid by the composer in his opera The Rake's Progress. Faust is not merely a literary figure though and several eminent personages over the years have been quite seriously accused of making deals for this and that among them Paganini, Liszt, and Robert Johnson.

Closer to home for me as a boy was the uneasy relationship balanced between my own spiritual walk and Enya. I, an upright and devoted young Christian, felt an unnatural pull and reverance in my love for the beautiful music of the Irish singer. These fey, slightly pagan themed songs with arching reverbed lines of multiple layered voices and mystical synthesizers were surely the work of the occult and no doubt sowed the seeds of my spiritual decline. Reviewing the matter now, there was surely all sorts of devilry going on which Maire Brennan got wise to and ousted her young cousin from Clannad. Enya must then have contracted some sort of deal with the helper Nicky Ryan, made some wonderful music, sold 70 million records and now lives in a castle. Watch the full video for I Want Tomorrow and you will see that Enya is clearly possessed by Satan.

OBVIOUSLY A WITCH

Having proved that one can actually enter into agreement with the devil for personal gain I must prove that Watson has actually done so.

Watson's career abounds with the two characteristics that make Satan's favourite breeding grounds- innate talent and hard work. (Do not think that the Devil delights in sloth. Only read Paradise Lost to realise what a diligent chap he is). So determined was the young S.R.W. as to emigrate to Tasmania at a tender age. As the state's all-rounder so emphatic was his opening statement that he brought himself to national notice and replaced no lesser personage than Steve Waugh in the ODI team. Into the test team he made his way and failed to distinguish himself both in the versatile duty of a number six as well with untroubling medium pacers. Before even facing the ignominy of being dropped, Watson underwent the harder fate of debilitating injury. What was so dreadful about this period of extended injury was how tantalisingly close poor Watson came to making his way back in lionised circumstances. For the great comeback series of the 2007 Ashes our fellow was primed to be the great Australian answer to the marauding horde, set to return and triumph over our humiliation. Poor Watson went and lost his hamstring on the eve of the event publicly weeping like a babe.

Having skimmed over the circumstances let us imagine now the relationship between Satan and Watson at this time. Lucifer must have kept a keen eye on young Watson and his early success and perhaps it was a malignant trick to cut down the fellow early on and plague his body. I doubt there were firm plans as yet, this was merely keeping pans in the fire. Coming back to his young prospect though Satan must have felt now was a good moment for a visit. 'Shane,' said Satan, 'How would you like me to aid you at this propitious moment?' I imagine to this kind offer Watson, at this stage still a fairly personable chap must have said, 'No thank you. I'm doing quite fine by myself' To which Satan must have made some facetious remarks and told our man that his lovely opportunity would be ruined.

Poor old Shane. How lost and sad and frustrated he must have felt. How much time must he have spent wandering about the wilderness?

I IMAGINE THIS PHOTOGRAPH MUST DATE FROM THIS TIME AS WATSON STILL HAS A SHADOW

So then the next move was the great temptation to take advantage of this frustration. I do not think that the devil is in with Merv Hughes and David Boon therefore I believe he used his servant John Buchanan.

A DEMON

The dropping of Phil Hughes in such nasty and unwarranted circumstances screams foul play. Surely there was voodoo involved and JB performed some sort of necromancy in the situation. What more foul than this? A visitation to the fragile Watson, promises of rejuvanation... I doubt Watson actively encouraged his temptor but he might have neglected to forbid such action. And so was it carried forth. Watson had his gains but was not yet aware of the price. Our man was allowed his initial success priding himself on his admirable skills and unaware of any outside aid. Still malignance was apparent and Watson's comment on the unfortunate Hughes, 'He's had his chance, now its mine', displays an ungracious character.

Then as the Australian summer commenced came Satan with the bill. Watson cocksure and haughty must have scorned his ally claiming the absence of any pact. How subtle are the ways of the Devil though? Rather than bringing down his prey in a picque of fury and exercise of power, Watson was allowed to taste the trace of success without its full fruit, Satan pinching his wicket ever and ever in the late nineties. There are many evidences of Shane's dreadful character. At the last WACA test I watched as he he testily had a fan removed for casting some trite sledge in his direction. You have your stories as I have mine. One we all share as it is the most heinous. His awful behaviour in the Boxing Day Test. Katich clearly disliked Watson and there was no communication between the pair. But when our man was run out he appealled to the umpire to have Katich be judged out. This is surely the lowest of his behaviour and if my hypothesis has any truth the most obvious display of Watson's guilt and frustration.

At some point Watson gave in and is now a fully fledged worshipper of Satan no longer in possession of his soul. I imagine that evening stumps was called with Watson on 99 must have been a long one with the temptor seated at the edge of the bed. His dismissal the next morning still short of the stupid target must have been the final straw for Shane and the lad caved. How else may we explain why such an ugly character has had this unheralded success in unfamiliar circumstance of opener and bowler, particularly this latest offering of six wickets at Headingley.

SPEAKING IN TONGUES

So possibly Watson is a Satanist. More probable is that he is a very bad egg and I have been talking a lot of rot. Anyway what holds the future? Marcus North is surely gone. I believe there are several possible changes then:

-Steve Smith replaces North and Hauritz returns as major spinner.

-Watson slips back to the middle order so as to be able to bowl for more extended periods. Hughes returns as opener.

-Watson remains as opener. North is replaced by another such as Callum Ferguson, George Bailey, or perhaps even Usman Khawaja.

As I write this I am sitting here watching England make small work of Pakistan so it is unlikely there will be any changes there for the Ashes.

A Latecomer

I must apologise. Several matters of interest have occurred and I have failed to comment upon them. Such a neat and absorbing one day series between England and Australia. Assertive and unfazed England domineered Australia into defeat with a thrilling third match decider. Andy Flower seemed a genius and the English ascendent. Then they crumpled and were routed in the remaining dead rubbers. A key aspect of England's success lay with their wealth of (effectively) all-rounders- Michael Yardy, Luke Wright, Tim Bresnan, Graeme Swann, Stuart Broad. They gave great depth to the squad with assured bowling and the extra impetus in batting for several of the victories. Eoin Morgan is the great hero of the series though and one hopes that perhaps he can pinch Bell's spot in the test team. That might make for an interesting Ashes. I have doubts about England's bowling though. Swann is fantastic, though his twitter is a bit self-assured for my liking. Anderson is class but has been indifferent of late. Finn could be good but it would be nice for him to get a bit more experience under the belt. Broad is a concern and I am not convinced that he is a skilled enough bowler to perform in the Australian summer. This is a bit a vague foreboding at present and I am sure I will write more at a later date, particularly as these concerns will be aired in the English test series against Pakistan.

THE GREAT ANGLO-IRISH HOPE- AUSTRALIAN BROADCASTERS STRUGGLE WITH HIS CHRISTIAN NAME

Fascinating that Australia reached out to Shaun Tait for deliverance. What an odd career the chap has had, mistrusted in his homeland for his unique boganism and spectacular self-destruction. He is brutal and debilitating on song but is so often erratic and useless. Australia have also embraced the concept of a handful of all-rounders and Steven Smith's probable test debut against Pakistan will be intriguing.

FOOL

What distresses me is that the MCC is pushing for day-night test matches. No doubt this is due to the fact that the crowds were hardly milling for the Bangladesh series. Personally I hate the concept and associate test match cricket with five long days in the unrelenting sun. I like to imagine when I walk home that I have earnt the sweat that cakes the brow and obfusticates my clothes rather than face the reality that I have been scoffing pork pies and boiled eggs all day long. I feel that if you can't take a few days off work a year to watch the test match then what worth are you as a cricket fan. I cherish this week and don't want my enjoyment tarnished by the hoi polloi turning up like cretins in the darkness. In 1958 the American serialist composer Milton Babbit published an article titled 'Who Cares if You Listen?'. Speaking of his esoteric, modernist music Babbit claimed that the interaction of an audience is not essential to its function as art. I would like to maintain a similar elitism in test match cricket for players shall continue to contest for its glory and the faithful will continue to congregate at the shrine. The limited overs formats can bear the other nonsense.

This is beside the point though. The percieved epicentre of blue-blooded and snobbish cricketing conservatism, whose views I have been echoing, is leading the charge of "messing" with the sport. Such a charge is usually left for the BCCI, the boorish nouveau riche upstart of the cricket community. It proves that there is dissension in world cricket and I think the derailed presidential career of John Howard highlights this.

There has been much vitriol in this country over the matter and, perhaps along with nostalgic sympathy for Rudd, we have embraced the eventually maligned leader who was unceremoniously ousted from office as obviously a perfectly wonderful cricket administrator. Howard was seen as a figure to give the conflicted sport the boundaries it needs and his rejection was recieved as the worst sort of politicking. Zimbabwe oppossed Howard because Mugabe is corrupt and a thug to the bargain who has invested his nation with a similar attitude. Rather than stand on principle South Africa joins her for the sake of African unity. This presents Howard as a martyr from unscrupulous claims of victimisation begat by self-blinkered oafs. This is not the only criticism levelled at Howard though and several articles have accussed Howard of racist policies toward refugees as well as Australian aboriginals. Also Sri Lanka's opposition is very credible for what on earth was the prime minister doing commenting upon a bowling action. Speaking out of turn in attempt to appeal to the masses is a dicey business and Howard should have known better. What I have been searching for though is why the BCCI finally opposed Howard though and used their muscle to pressure Pakistan and Bangladesh to the bind as well. Were India merely appeasing these malcontents for greater allegiance or did they have legitimate concerns or even fears about Howard?

WAS THERE POTENTIAL HERE?

The ICC presidency is little more than a figurehead and even were he to be elected there is presumably little Howard could have done to effect any change. As they contribute three quarters of the body's revenue the BCCI rules the roost and with the deep dissension within India over the problems facing cricket it is unlikely any accord will be reached soon. Chief among these is the relationship between twenty over cricket and the other formats. This results in an excess of the sport which is leaving fans disinterested and running players into the ground. India has perhaps suffered most in this regard. The great stars of the IPL, absolutely brilliant performers including Rohit Sharma, Suresh Raina, Murali Vijay, and Pragyan Ojha, failed miserably as a fifty over team and lost twice to Zimbabwe in the triangular series. With the increasing importance of domestic twenty over leagues there promises to be an almost year round continuance of the sport and the ICC needs to negotiate these new developments rather than allowing them to make their own slipshod way. It also needs to decide whether its focus is upon consolidation or expansion. Audiences will dwindle if their teams are contesting inferior sides.

Indian cricket administration has problems. There is rooted traditionalism steeped in Ranji cricket and the national sports minister has questioned the existence of the twenty over format. Yet it runs rampant even with Lalit Modhi falling into a mire of corruption. I am not scared of this but I wish the MCC would just be a bit more staid in the midst. And Howard is nothing, what has happened is merely symptomatic.

Asides

Ireland looked like beating Australia for a while last night. They bowled incredibly professionally and tight making the Australian batting look really rather rusty apart from Tim Paine's well made 81 and Cameron White's neat cameo of 42. The aggregate of 231 was nothing revolutionary but certainly one felt as if it would be very odd should Ireland run it down.

What a surprise then when the team's openers thrashed the bowling attack with a flurry of boundaries. They advanced to 80 without loss with a strike rate nearly double that of Australia. This was a brave and unexpected delight from the unheralded batsmen but truly it was as much the result of some very loose bowling. The steady Clint McKay was ordinary. Despite taking a couple of wickets Ryan Harris was awful. Doug Bollinger took no wickets and wasn't great but was better than these two. James Hopes took home the glory with a haul of five but as most of these were tail-enders or fools and there was little excellence in this. Ireland looked very likely to win the game at two points, the man who undid them both times is the superb and so often unheralded Nathan Hauritz.

Hauritz stemmed the flow of initial runs and lured Porterfeld to waltz onto the on-side only to defeat him with a delivery coming back into the stumps. Fatty Stirling then bludgeoned at Ryan Harris with a series of coarse shots that eventuated with a ball coming straight to the wicket. Wilson fell for no particularly good reason immediately after. Niall O'Brien and Alex Cusack made a decent stand and seemed to suggest what should have been an easily executed recovery. Hopes removed Cusack with a perhaps lucky LBW. Hauritz's removal of N. O'Brien was a wonderful trap that ended up with the wicket keeper. With him went his brother and more or less any chance of what for a while looked like a rather lovely upset. Gosh I would have loved to see Ponting's tantrum in such circumstances.

My dull reading pays little justice to the true charm of the game though. This was more than a disengaged Australian warm up and a brave attempt at usurpation by a nation who might question the value of such an English institution in their land. The game was played at a school cricket pitch in suburban Dublin. Spectators sat about the boundary rope and hooted at the Australian fielders while with good will fetching the ball for them. There was something of the beauty of village cricket in the game. A young daughter of one of the comentators was discovered by the camermen stalking about in search of autographs. While given an interview she was far more interested in staking a greater haul than in hearing from her papa. Such a golden wonder of a day as well, I imagine it must have been heavenly to be one of the several hundered in attendance there. There ephemeral nature of the Northern Summer gives a rare pitch of beauty on such occasions.

IRISH CRICKET- IS WHAT IT IS

Probably the best thing about Youtube are the user comments. They read rather like toilet graffiti. Some young turk makes an incedinary remark and then a bunch of fools take the bait and blow a lot of hot air around. Sometimes though they are simply charming. After chatting about how much I love Mitchell Marsh last time I found a video of him giving a very complimentary but in truth somewhat dull interview at the IPL. Far more exciting than the video though were the comments left upon it. My particular favourite is this one from MsEnriquelover-

I toh live in india . i cnt evn go wtch him play . But u know we r a cricket crazy nation.. n i m crazier bout d hot cricketers!! his hair . his dressing sense. he is so sexyy!! spclly in d ipl panties.

I agree with your sentiments madam. Aside from being a young chap of charisma and unassuming grace I believe there are signs of a truly magnificent nature in young Mitchell. During the IPL some of the Tibetan refugess living in exile in Dharamsala were asked their thoughts on cricket. Most were totally disinterested but one young fellow, a sort of juggling-dancer from the sounds of it, spoke of his friend Mitchell Marsh who came to see a cultural display of Tibetan refugees in Perth and befriended the performers afterwards. How magnificent is this young man, friend of the fallen and champion of the ladies. Let us marvel, let us revel.

NOT QUITE SURE WHAT THIS IS DOING ON THE INTERNET

Finally I am worried about this new breed of blonde haired fellows playing for Australia now. This is stereotyping but these young champions of the Australian idyll seem all alike. Unflappable, dull, slightly if not entirely bogan, tiresome.

HE IS THE WORST

I hope that I am wrong. Cameron White is a good solid chap. Steve Smith should be okay. When I saw Tim Paine's hair my heart sank a little though. I am sure he is a good enough chap, i'm probably just sore about the demise of Luke Ronchi.

I HOPE MY FEARS ARE ILL-FOUNDED

RETRIBUTION

At times justice is meted. I ragged on in an earlier post about the ludicrous tattoo that Mitchell Johnson had stenciled on to his non-bowling right arm. Well the blasted thing has gotten infected. Dear reader have you ever seen an infected tattoo? They result in an awful, festy abscess that is both repugnant and dreadfully painful. It has booted him from the upcoming limited over series in England leaving Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger, the incidental additions of the summer, to cement their places along with young Josh Hazlewood.

SIDELINED LAD!

With the first match due to start in just over a week there is a good possibility that no-one will care because there is a World Cup on. The comeuppance does not end here though! Craig Kieswetter, the charming young, slightly South African, but well mannered Somerset wicketkeeper who graced in the Carribean Twenty 20 competition has booted Matt Prior from the England ODI squad. Essentially this is one South African for another but such is the beauty of modern multicultural England, just look at the abundance of Eastern names in the current county Twenty 20 tournament. I do not like Matt Prior. He is bald and ugly but further has a rotten character. He proved himself such an absolute louse in the last Ashes series, a braggart and bully and nasty individual. The chap can bat awfully well though so this is quite a serious step. He's in form as well and made a neat near century in the recent test against Bangladesh. Kieswetter in contrast, barring a memorable performance in the final, rarely converted his promising starts in the Twenty 20 World Championship . The young one has exemplary footwork though and magnificent timing so lets hope he delivers and good triumphs over evil. If Andy Flower made this change then one can only imagine the coach has great expectations of this young protege.

GO LOOK GROSS ELSEWHERE DORK!

Prior is the sort of chap one comes upon in short stories about village cricket. The bullying blacksmith behind the stumps who blows the bails off and denigrates the sport. I remember in the last ODI tournament in Australia our Southern nation wanted to make the ugly old replacement keeper Paul Nixon into the same sort of a villain. Suprisingly though given his face and rampant motor mouth he is actually a very affable sort of a fellow.

PAUL NIXON. NOW LOOK AT THAT SMILE!

In sadder news Mitchell Marsh has sprained his ankle and so won't be able to play with the Australia A side against Sri Lanka. Trumper wishes its young gallant hero a speedy recovery and a happy convalescence with whatever he might be up to in the Perth winter.

An Iridescent Yearning Glow on the Horizon

Winter now reigns in the Southern Hemisphere and discontent gnaws away at me. A listless limited overs tournament wastes on in the Caribbean and Zimbabwe, and England are using Bangladesh as a litmus test. This recent glut of twenty over cricket has been readily devoured but left me feeling bloated and somewhat cheated, the same way one feels after Kentucky Fried Chicken. The sad truth is though that there is little of any promise in the coming months and what there is in the main points towards the next Ashes series.

I know just recently I preached the good word about a resurgent West Indies. Hang the rector! Given their dismal performances in these fifty over matches against South Africa it is difficult to imagine that the subsequent test series will be any more substantial. India will play two test matches against Sri Lanka in July. These are the "number one" nation's only remaining tests for the year and will potentially prove the most interesting matches of 2010 in much the same way as South Africa's brief cameo on the sub-continent back in February. There is a rum justice in this and Greg Chappell's dire prediction of an Indian withdrawal from test match cricket is given weight.
Otherwise like a belated party guest attempting to make amends for their absence, Pakistan dominate the test match scene in what remains of this year. Australia and England will butt heads in a limited overs series later this month, but this is little more than a scrappy friendly in similar manner to the recent final Australia were so effectively demolished in. Both teams will then proceed to use Pakistan as (slightly less shaggy now) guinea pigs. In more creative fixturing Pakistan will then play a series against South Africa in the UAE. Actual test matches this time!

Pakistan are like the spirit of cricket itself. So utterly unpredictable and sweetly romantic and completely incapable of introduction to any sort of decent society. It is futile to speculate whether Pakistan stand to offer any fight in these matches for they will as always defy expectations. Afridi the Great will captain, Salman Butt is a batsman of excellence, Aamer has been fantastic and the Akmals, when not useless, have been breathtaking. They may just as easily triumph as flounder but such cricket is so often frustrating to watch.

ISN'T HE JUST WONDERFUL?

So then, let us devote a moment to considering this next Ashes series. Do England stand any chance? Sadly, in all probability not. England have not won a series in this nation for over two decades and when they promised so much in the 2006/2007 summer they were pummeled. England will be sporting a very fine team by the looks of things though. Jonathan Trott is looking fine at number three, Pietersen has romped back into form, and perhaps Morgan can replace the inconsistent Bell. Along with Strauss, Cook, Collingwood, and the oafish Prior, this is a batting line up of great promise. Add to this Graeme Swann, a wonderfully confident strokesman and proven wily crafter of spin. An English success would require an exemplary pace bowling attack though and it is not certain whether they have the stock for this.

Stuart Broad can be an exhilarating performer with both ball and bat but too often he sends down loose deliveries and suffers from ineffective and derailing spells. With the anglic locks shorn he appears to the eye a more credible performer and his man of the match outing at the Oval last year looks lovely in the scrapbook. A five match series in hostile and brutally hot territory is a different ordeal though. James Anderson is also a victim to inconsistency. On song he is an expert practicioner but too often slumps. The pair of them will have to be sharp, focussed and aggressive for England to take wickets and pose a threat in the series.

As for the third bowling place- Graham Onions is out with a back injury which will remove him from the northern summer and scupper any chance of an Ashes berth. Tim Bresnan is in contention and so far has done little to commend himself. But the summer has just begun and he has time to prove himself. For the moment, the man of the hour is the 6ft 7", 21 year old Steven Finn who amazed with his ten wickets at Lord's. Granted his prey were Bangladesh, Finn forced a result rather than the otherwise probable draw given the weather. One must not get too far ahead for so often is a stunning debut followed by ignominous mediocrity, there is plenty to like in Finn though. He humbly described his careening trail of destruction, which resulted in a few tumbles following deliveries, as similar to Bambi on ice. Height and pace offers England a very threatening prospect.

YOUNG MASTER FINN

In the last entry I spoke at length about English arrogance, that most debilitating and obnoxious quality of the nation. What stands the team in good stead is their new coach Andy Flower. A busy man by the sidelines, Flower sits with notepad scribbling away about this and that. The Zimbabwean great seems to be a steady tiller and coupled with the phlegmatic Strauss, the pair may be able to keep the mob in step. We will gain a better understanding with the fifty over matches.

It is unlikely that Australia will make any change to their batting assembly. Hussey has dispelled all doubts since the last Ashes and North has done just enough to merit selection, especially if he can produce something in the two tests against Pakistan. The only selection issues Australia faces is who to pick from their fat stocks of pace bowling. Hilfenhaus, the surprise class performer is set to return from injury in these Pakistan tests. One would imagine that Peter Siddle will rear his head at some point too. But in their absence the understudies have proved admirable . Bollinger must have cemented his spot and Johnson will not be questioned. This means Ryan Harris and Hilfenhaus will scramble to make up the team. Though the former is a fine bowler and offers batting, I imagine the Tasmanian's pedigree outclasses him. It is odd to think how much bemoaning and wailing there was at this point a year ago on the dearth of fast bowling in the absence of McGrath and Lee.

JUST IN CASE YOU THOUGHT HIS SHARK/CROCODILE FACE AND SURFER BEADS WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH. THIS IS SIDDLE'S BACK.

There is still seven months until the Ashes and these are but the speculations of a malcontent. Come Brisbane at the end of November we will undoubtedly witness a different dawn. Trumper will remain active through the southern off-season though and with gleanings from internet and Foxtel will attempt to keep its reader's informed as to all I think most pertinent in the cricketing world. Thank you for reading.

BEAUTY AND PATRIOTISM

Hubris and Overestimation

It is no secret that when the English begin to win at anything they become total imbeciles. This is not limited to the players but is a practise adopted by the nation at large. I have grim memories of working as a clerk in Burgess Hill after the 2002 Rugby World Cup and was first hand to witness an entire office, who for the most part of the year would dismiss the sport as a toff's game, turn into a pack of jeering and swaggering hotshots, closely resembling a troop of babboons. Need we call to mind who won the Ashes in 2005, resplendent with O.B.E.'s, to come hurtling down to humility the following year. The English are sporting fools. In the rare event that they succeed they are painful. The rest of the time they still carry themselves like a pack of eejits. Think of what they did to poor Tim Henman? Here- witness an exquisite example of this most silly trait.

AND YOU KNOW THERE IS SOME SILLY TART ON PAGE THREE

Regardless of who wins tonight's final the English are going to be annoying. Particularly the fans. They are the most unfit, unclothed, unprepossessing poor excuse for specimens of the human species that are to be found. To be fair England have been fantastic in this tournament. Dominating with early batting (they are all South African), and controlled, malicious bowling. Add to this the rare feat of an English team that carries itself like a brood of hungry predators, as a result fielding superbly and intimidating their opposition. However the flush of winning is beginning to exhibit itself in petulant displays of haughty self-absorbtion. Several members of the team seem to think it is their duty to boss about anybody else they can see. Players are becoming over-exacting. Mike Yardy looked like a schizophrenic the way he chastised himself while trotting out to the outfield the other night. He had merely given a bit of width allowing a ball to be sniped out to the boundary, ignoring the fact that his four overs went for a mere 21 runs strangling the Sri Lankans and making a meal of the match. It doesn't help that the man who should be keeping a cap on all this, the captain Paul Collingwood, is dashing about making stupid statements such as,

Let's be honest, there aren't too many areas we can improve on.

AN EXAMPLE TO US ALL

While England occassionally find it within themselves to perform as a team possessed, they will be facing Australia, a team who makes a profession of this habit. Personally I couldn't care less who wins but it promises to be a cracker of a match. Its a shame that this specialist limited overs side differs so greatly from the test team or else there might be a suggestion of the English delivering in the next Australian summer. One must always live in hope though. Beware of the sweating, shirtless middle aged men and their annoying looking wives who will undoubtedly make spectacles of themselves between deliveries. Beware also the straw hat, sunglassed, Australian flag as cloak, hoon who will try to compete. In all hope we can avoid the histrionics and watch a thumping good game of cricket. Or we can watch a pack of pompous twits who are taken with themselves, self-destruct. All promises decent entertainment.

THE NEW BREED- WHATS ON THE SHADOWY SIDE OF HIS FACE?